Act One
[Prologue]
ARLECCHINO
Welcome, all, to
an eve of joyous entertainment. For this too-short time, put aside your
troubles and woes, lighten your hearts, uplift your heads, cross your limbs,
and digest both the culinary wonders of which you have sumptuously partaken and
the wonders yet to be dished up by our players.
Yes, there will
be dark times here upon our stage, with weeping and gnashing of teeth, but we
promise you a happy ending in which all eyes will but sparkle with delight and
all teeth be employed only in the broadest of smiles.
Now, let me set
the scene. The time is now, 1504, the place here, Florence, before the famed
Palazzo Vecchio, the home of our justly famous banker family, the Medici, for
thanks to them – and most especially the Magnificent Lorenzo, lamentably
gone from us this dozen years – art and culture flower here beyond all
other towns. Witness the works both artistic and scientific of Master Leonardo
Da Vinci [recently returned from his sojourn in Milan], the monumental sculpture
just completed by Master Michelangelo, and the youthful promise of the glowing
Raphael.
[players
strut and bow across the stage as introduced].
And who are our
players? See first the handsome Giovanni, from Rome, that amorous traveler who
hungers ever for adventure, both military and romantic. With him blunders his
ever-faithful servant, Arlecchino [bows], who hungers ever for — food. Amongst the townsfolk
we find the fulsome Dottore Gratiano, hoarder of ducats, dispenser of
pronouncements, and all-around — ass. Also, his wife, Bianca, as
hidebound as a miserÕs luggage. More central to our story, their daughter,
Maria, thanks to her mother, completely ignorant of the world – most
especially of men. At her heels trots her maid, Columbina, full of laughter,
advice, tender solicitude – and wily stratagems.
Further servants
to the Dottore are the young and rambunctious Quidli and Quodli, who should be
leashed like unruly dogs but, alas, run free. Lastly, but by no means least,
the Smithkorsitti Tumblers, here to provide distraction.
Is all now
clear? [waits for audience reply]. Good,
then let us begin. And recall, when all is said and done, that we actors live
by your grace. At our conclusion, feel free to drop a ducat or two in the cap
that will pass among you.[He disappears.]
Scene One
[We hear the
moon song offstage. After a few bars, Giovanni and Arlecchino enter.]
GIOVANNI
[surveying
the plaza]
Well, here at
last in Florence!
ARLECCHINO
What do you
mean? SheÕs sitting right there!
GIOVANNI
No, I donÕt mean
the Duchess Florence, I mean
Florence, the city, this city, the most wondrous city in all the land. Such an
exhausting trip!
ARLECCHINO
[dropping his
huge burden of luggage and junk with a great clatter]
It would be less
exhausting if we rode horses.
GIOVANNI
[looking
amazed]
What need have I
of a horse? I have you, dear beast of burden! [slaps him on the back] But we must find a place to settle
ourselves. Let me check how our funds are holding out. [GIOVANNI opens his
purse, sees nothing in it, holds it upside down and shakes it. All to no avail.
There is no money!]And I
must see if they have need of a valiant soldier, such as I, who can protect
lodging, innkeepers, goods and guests, in return for a modest lodging and
sustenance. But I have no idea
which way to turn.
[both spin
slowly in a circle to get the lay of the land.]
[Q & Q
run through]
[Enter
DOTTORE and BIANCA. DOTTORE looks at the travelers in amazement]
DOTTORE
Dear wife, look, we have been visited by
dervishes from Arabia. Mirabele dictu! Quid pro quo! Will they ever stop
spinning?
[ARLECCHINO grabs his head, dizzy, and
falls in a heap]
GIOVANNI
Why are you always falling down?
ARLECCHINO
You would rather I fall up? If I had a
bite to eat it might be easier to remain upright.
GIOVANNI
You have eaten so much during our journey
I am astonished you have anything left to carry. [alarmed] You have not eaten our clothing?
ARLECCHINO
Of course not. It has not been washed.
DOTTORE
Honored Sir, it appears you are of the
military persuasion. Might you be Sir Sullivan Stanzalot?
GIOVANNI
No, sir, though I have heard of his
prowess.
DOTTORE
[clearing his throat] Ahem. You appear to have just arrived in
this most debatably glandular of all cities. May I introduce myself? I am
Dottore Gratiano, a physician of some — of much — remuneration.
Celebrated, I should note, for balderdacious and multifarious inexplicability
— [BIANCA tugs his sleeve] And
this is my wife, Bianca. [she curtsies] Most days, she says but little.
BIANCA
[aside] As though I could get a word in edgewise.
DOTTORE
What is the nature of your prevarication?
Have you come to eviscerate with friends or family?
GIOVANNI
No. Although I have a letter of
introduction to His Excellency Pantalone.
DOTTORE
What, you are
not related to Duchess Vivian? Can that be possible?
GIOVANNI
Alas, no. I have
not the pleasure of knowing the gentle lady. Good Dottore, we have come for
adventure and the joys of high culture. Could you be so kind as to guide us to
a place of lodging?
DOTTORE
In what measure
would you perspire to refine your bodies, that is to say, in what form of
hostility would you denigrate to repose?
ARLECCHINO
We just want to
lie down. And eat! Anywhere that has food and a mat.
GIOVANNI
Must you be
insolent? [ARLECCHINO nods his head in an aside] Kind sir, simply direct us to the
nearest mission of refuge and we will be most happy. And, also to the place of
military recruitment.
ARLECCHINO
And in the
meantime, is there nowhere to sit down?
DOTTORE
Luck plods upon
you, travelers. For just this week, the most mucilaginous Master Leonardo has
unveiled his latest invention: Behold, the folding chair! [pulls one out
from behind a pillar, still folded]
GIOVANNI
How does it
work?
DOTTORE
You place it
upon the fundament, so, and merely unlimber the limbs.
GIOVANNI
Amazing!
ARLECCHINO
Incredible! [takes chair from DOTTORE]You can fold itÉ.unfold itÉ.fold it
againÉunfold it yet again—this could provide a nightÕs entertainment?
GIOVANNI
Either put that away or sit on it. [ARLECCHINO
sits. GIOVANNI and DOTTORE converse stage right]
[Enter MARIA and COLUMBINA, followed
by Q and Q]
COLUMBINA
I wish the mistress would not instruct us
always to trail behind.
MARIA
Mother makes sure that I can come to no
harm at the hands of a MAN.
COLUMBINA
It isnÕt his hands you should worry
about.
MARIA
[shrinking back] Oh look. It is a MAN. And one I have not
seen before. Shield me! [ducks behind COLUMBINA. Q and Q pantomime and
exaggerate MARIA and GIOVANNIÕS
reactions]
GIOVANNI
[turning to ARLECCHINO] Who was that? That vision of a woman who
disappeared behind that servant?
ARLECCHINO
I donÕt know. I was fastened upon the one
in front. And that basket she carries. Bread? Cheese perhaps?
BIANCA
Oh, my pure one. YouÕre here already. I
must protect you. [runs toward MARIA]
MARIA
[peers around
COLUMBINA with wonder and suppressed delight] He doesnÕt look quite as evil as I was
told.
BIANCA
Hide your eyes. [claps
her hand over MARIAÕs eyes.]
GIOVANNI
Florence has
most odd traditions. [MARIA pries her motherÕs fingers apart enough to
peek]. Ah, such
glorious, if somewhat shuttered, orbs. Arlecchino, I must find a way to know
her better.
ARLECCHINO
And I, that
bread basket. [starts toward COLUMBINA. BIANCA takes MARIA and COLUMBINA off stage while MARIA struggles to
see. Q and Q follow them off, still pantomiming. ARLECCHINO follows.]
GIOVANNI
Arlecchino! Wait
here whilst I visit the recruiter. When I return a soldier, her parents shall
see my prowess and accept me eagerly. [as he turns to leave, Q and Q snip
the tail of his shirt and his purse. ARLECCHINO sees the purse and picks it up.
GIOVANNI exits but returns immediately to give ARLECCHINO a fruit roll tied
with a ribbon and instructions while ARLECCHINO tries to give GIOVANNI back his
purse.] Oh yes, and
Arlecchino, keep this parchment safe. It is our introduction to His Exellency
Pantalone. It is possible it would be damaged in the event I must demonstrate
my prowess. [GIOVANNI exits]
[while
DOTTORE speaks, ARLECCHINO looks after GIOVANNI holding his purse in one hand
and the parchment in the other. Finally he shrugs and puts the purse in his
doublet. He lies down on the luggage]
DOTTORE
[declaiming
wildly to no one in particular]
God bless these travelers who deposit their disingenuities herewith to benefit
the coffers of Florence. Let us redundicate the taxes to which they will be
undomesticated: First, the funicular tax for not-yet-existing railways. Then
the birdquibble tax for the alightment of feathers on the roadway. Third, the tax
tax, which all must pay for the privilege of paying taxes. Next, the mainsail
and seafomenting tax to support square-rigged hosiers and petty ungulates.
Fifth, the tick-tock tax on clocks, watches, clock watchers and cloak welpers.
Certainly we cannot forget the fumicide tax to cover offensive odors of feet
and forelocks. And, finally, the distillation tax to press money from those who
have evaded or eviscerated all other taxes. Altogether, that comes to a
stuperbilious agglutination of monetary munificence passing through my hands
[with some no doubt adhering by accidental contrivance]. Ah, I can andisparate
the acquiescence even now. Oh, I persevere! Wife! Bianca!
BIANCA
[entering
with Columbina and Maria] What
do you wish? DonÕt stand in the piazza and bellow. If you must make that noise,
come do it in the privacy of our own home.
DOTTORE
Wife, I faint
with heat. Primadonna employ your fan to calcify my streaming brain.
BIANCA
Yes, I can see.
Maria, Columbina come help. [They arrange themselves around Dottore and
fan.Dottore begins to sing WinterÕs Over, and Maria, Bianca and Columbina join
in.
[At the
songÕs end, Quidli distracts DOTTORE while Quodli snips his purse. It drops on
the floor at which point Quidli throws a coin offstage. DOTTORE rushes off
after the coin with Q & Q
following.]
ARLECCHINO
[On stage
alone with GiovanniÕs document in his hand] Oh, my belly! It cramps with emptiness. Teased with a basket
that must contain delicacies since it was carried by such a delicious woman, my
belly cries for food. Food. FOOD! [Speaking to his belly] What is it my precious? Oh, I know, it
has been at least 5 minutes since you received your last infusion of
sustenance. [Stroking his belly] Do
not fear my little one, more will come! I, Arlecchino, swear it! Oh, oh, donÕt
cry, my darling. You must be brave. Just a few more minutes and we will have
food. [To the audience]
Actually, itÕs probably more like a few more hours, if I know my master. [Back
to his belly] No, no my
love, it wonÕt be hours, I mean, my master will bring us flowers
to grace our meal and nasturtiums are so tasty. WhatÕs that my dumpling?
No, I donÕt have any food in my hand. No, no, thatÕs a parchment of my
masterÕs. ItÕs very important! Well youÕre right, it does look sort of like a roulade.
[He smells it.]
Actually, it smells rather good. I wonder—-[He takes a little nibble.] Mmmm, thatÕs not bad. No! What am I
doing? I canÕt eat my masterÕs letter! But if I take just a little off the
edges, that couldnÕt hurt anything, could it? [He takes off the ribbon and
nibbles more.] Oh, this
is soo good! Who would have thought that letters could fill your belly as well
as your mind. [He eats more.]
Arlecchino! Stop! What are you doing? This is your masterÕs letter! [He
looks at whatÕs left of the letter.]
You naughty belly! Look what you made me do! IÕve eaten the signature off! My
master will be angry! HeÕll probably beat me! WhatÕs that, you bad belly? You
think I might as well eat the rest since IÕve already eaten the most important
part? YouÕre right. What good is an introduction without a signature? ItÕs like
bread without butter or strawberries with no cream or....[He gobbles the
rest of the letter and belches. He begins to sing.]
He stretches
and lies down on the baggage to sleep but notices the DottoreÕs purse.] WhatÕs this? It looks like a purse. Oh, it is! And so heavy!
Surely there canÕt be that much money in it. [He opens it and looks in.] There is! Look at all these coins!
[He pours them into his hand.]
IÕm a wealthy man! [He sniffs the purse.] Mmm, smells delectable! This purse is made of calfÕs
leather! That would make an excellent stew! I am doubly blessed—money and
food. What my dear? Quite right! IÕll put the coins in my masterÕs purse and
save this one for our next al fresco meal. [He puts the DottoreÕs purse in
his doublet and the coins in GiovanniÕs purse.] Arlecchino, you are the man! [He goes
to sleep with GIOVANNIÕS purse in his hand.]
[Q and Q run
across the stage. Enter MARIA and COLUMBINA.]
MARIA
Are you sure
this is the right thing to do? You know mama always says the street is
dangerous.
COLUMBINA
My dear, you
canÕt stay a little girl forever you know. Look at you! YouÕre 23 years old!
High time for you to be married and have your own family.
MARIA
Mama says next year
is time enough.
COLUMBINA
DonÕt you
remember that she said that last year, and the year before, and the year before
that? Every year since you were 16! I distinctly remember because there was
that lovely dÕMedici boy at your party, and I thought, ŌHow nice, sheÕs going
to get her first kiss on her 16th birthday.Ķ Then your mama came in the room
and that was the end of the party!
MARIA
He was sweet,
wasnÕt he?
COLUMBINA
Yes, and he
slipped away. WhatÕs important right now is that you have to start meeting some
men! ItÕs fine to be innocent, but you need a little exposure or youÕll simply
dry up and fade away like a puddle in the August sun!
MARIA
Oh that wouldnÕt
be good at all. Do you think IÕm starting to dry up already? [She peers
anxiously in her mirror]
COLUMBINA
No, you look
fine!
MARIA
I think I see a
spot on my chin! Oh, Columbina, what will I do? I have a spot on my chin! [She
begins to weep.]
COLUMBINA
[Looking at
her chin.] ThereÕs no
spot on your chin, Maria. Your chin is quite lovely.
MARIA
[Looking
frantically in the mirror.]
IÕm sure thereÕs a spot beginning on my chin. Look there! ThatÕs a spot if I
ever saw one!
COLUMBINA
[Taking
charge.] Maria. Calm
yourself. Your eyes will get all red and swollen—you donÕt want that, do you?
Now, give me the mirror. ThatÕs a good girl. Hold your head up. Let me look.
Oh, my goodness! [She takes something off of MariaÕs chin.] Look, a tiny rose
petal got stuck on your chin, thatÕs all! Look! [She holds the mirror up so
MARIA can see.]
MARIA
There isnÕt a
spot there now! YouÕre right! It must have gotten on me when I smelled the
flowers in that new bouquet. What a silly I am! [She gets the mirror back
from COLUMBINA and checks herself out carefully.]
COLUMBINA
Your mama
doesnÕt realize that youÕre all grown up now and need a life of your own. If
you donÕt start meeting some men and getting some experience, youÕre likely to
run off with the first one that gives you a wink, and that I donÕt want to see!
MARIA
I understand itÕs for my own good, but
how do I meet one?
COLUMBINA
First you find some men to look at. Look
everywhere every time you go out. Look out the windows of your house. Look,
look, look!
MARIA
Mama always tells me to keep my eyes cast
down.
COLUMBINA
ThatÕs what IÕm telling you! You canÕt
pay attention to what your mama says about men any more!
MARIA
I donÕt know....
COLUMBINA
If your mama took you up on a cliff and
told you to close your eyes and walk, would you do that?
MARIA
Well.........
COLUMBINA
Never mind, donÕt answer that!
MARIA
But...
COLUMBINA
Listen, your mama had a mama, didnÕt she?
MARIA
[Confused.] Yes.
COLUMBINA
And your mama got married and had you,
didnÕt she?
MARIA
Yes, but.....
COLUMBINA
So your mama had to meet some men in order
to find one who wanted to marry her.
MARIA
No, she married papa!
COLUMBINA
Trust me, Maria,
your mama did not always know your papa. She had to meet him.
MARIA
Really?
COLUMBINA
Really.
MARIA
You know, thatÕs
something thatÕs been bothering me for a long time. I mean, whereÕs the papa
for me? I mean, I know my papa, but heÕs my mamaÕs papa. So whereÕs mine? I
mean......
COLUMBINA
Exactly!
[enter
GIOVANNI, MARIA squeals and hides behind COLUMBINA. ARLECCHINO wakes, takes in
the women, straightens his clothes and approaches COLUMBINA.]
GIOVANNI
Who are those smirking, ignorant sons of
donkeys to reject such a soldier of established bravery as I?
GIOVANNI
Turn me down! Those louts will come to
regret it when this town reels before invasion and they have no true heroes to
relieve it. [struts about like
a peacock, tossing his head and long hair. MARIAÕs eyes widen in devotion as
she watches]
ARLECCHINO
[aside to COLUMBINA]. It is true, Few have fought as fiercely
as he these last years. Just before we departed, in single-handed combat he
bested a braggart of 10 years experience.
COLUMBINA
How thrilling! Beat a man with 10 years
in the military.
ARLECCHINO
No, no, it was a 10 year old boy with a
wooden sword. A close match, but my master won the day.
GIOVANNI
Enough of your silly prattle. [DOTTORE
and BIANCA enter followed by Q & Q. BIANCA sees COLUMBINA and MARIA and
rushes to protect MARIA. During the next scene, she attempts to get MARIA
offstage, but MARIA and COLUMBINA resist.]
DOTTORE
Ha! You have recombined to process upon
the esplanade!
GIOVANNI
Good Dottore! I rejoice to see you again.
DOTTORE
Valorous sir!
You have traveled the world and have seen many wonders. I beg your permission
to relegate an inquiry quid pro quo but yet numinous upon declaration.
GIOVANNI
Kind sir! You
have no need for permission . I gladly share my knowledge and expertise with
one such as you! [DOTTORE, GIOVANNI and ARLECCHINO move to one side of the
stage and converse quietly. Q and Q go to the luggage and immediately begin to
go through it. During the next scene they pull out odd items and hold them up
for ridicule]
BIANCA
Ah, my dear, so
close you came to calamity.
MARIA
Is that his
name?
BIANCA
How often have I
warned you of the wiles of MEN?
MARIA
Let me think.
Twice every morning, once in the afternoon, and three times before we retire.
And a full hour both before and after Sunday Mass.
BIANCA
ThereÕs never
enough time! Remember: Men are grasping, groping, begrudging, besotted,
blindered, blundering, benumbing, boring, burrowing, harrowing horrors who
would snatch from you that one thing irreplaceable that you own. [COLUMBINA
rolls her eyes and shakes her head during tirade]
MARIA
They would take
from me my Leonardo decoder ring?
BIANCA
You know
nothing!
MARIA
Of course not.
IÕve never been anywhere and IÕve never done anything!
BIANCA
Never mind dear.
LetÕs go home and see how those lovely little birds are coming with their nest.
[BIANCA,
MARIA AND COLUMBINA exit]
GIOVANNI
So you see sir,
the Spanish steel must be considered the best, regardless of our desire to
patronize our countrymen. But it grows late, and we must now away to find our
lodging.
DOTTORE
Come, let me
evenesce your journey.
GIOVANNI
What kindness
you exhibit toward a wayfaring stranger! I accept your offer with pleasure.
[to Q and Q] You two,
look after our goods and I will reward you well. [He feels for his purse,
but it is gone.] My
purse! Where has it gone? Some cutpurse has been busy. Ah, let me but find that
knave with my purse and he will suffer! [He notices his purse in
ARLECCHINOÕS hand and snatches it. ARLECCHINO tries in vain to tell his master
he did not steal it throughout the following.] Lump! Donkey-eared dung-monger! Puling
Milanese son of a putrescent hippopotamus! How did you get this and what was
your plan? How much more harm will you do me? You must needs eat so heartily
that you empty my purse, and now you steal the purse itself! [GIOVANNI grabs
ARLECCHINOÕS slapstick and one hand]
Now, I swear by all thatÕs holy you will receive the thrashing of your life!
Fifty strokes I will give you. One! [He draws back the slapstick to hit him,
but ARLECCHINO slips to the floor on his knees.] Up! Up! [ARLECCHINO reluctantly gets
up and winds his arm around GIOVANNIÕS
body as GIOVANNI prepares to hit him.]Now where was I? Oh yes, fifty strokes and I was at three,
or was it thirteen? Who cares? Twenty-two! Oh, you ignorant nincompoop! Unwind
yourself! [ARLECCHINO does]
Now then! LetÕs see, was I at seventeen or thirty-six? Pasta fazool!
Twenty-nine! [GIOVANNI again raises the slapstick but notices a bird in the
sky] Is that...? Can it
be? I swear I just saw a peregrine falcon!
DOTTORE
It is somewhat
unusual, but they have been sighted in our fair city.
GIOVANNI
[letting go of ARLECCHINO and absently
giving him back the slapstick] My
father gave me a falcon when I was nine to teach me the ways of combat. It was
most instructive, but I still havenÕt mastered the part where you rise high in
the air before falling on the enemy and grasping him in your talons.
Arlecchino! Why are you standing there? Let us go!
DOTTORE
Nature is the
instructress of us all. How apprehensive I am to cogitate upon the intricate
strata of behemoth coruscations.
My ancestor, too, indicated those subterranean repasts for my beneficence.
Although I persimmoned until my craven involuted, ibid., op. cit. and ad
infinitum.
[DOTTORE,
GIOVANNI and ARLECCHINO exit as DOTTORE continues to talk. Q and Q start
chasing each other with something from GIOVANNIÕS baggage and exit.]
END OF SCENE I
Intermission
ARLECCHINO
So, we leave you
on the edge of the precipice – Will the lovers draw together? Will the
parents force them apart? Will I get my next meal? Ha! You shall see soon
enough. But meanwhile, we bring you the nimble feet of dancing master Fernando
Marricone and his charming partner, Lady Florence.
[They dance.]
Thank you Master
Fernando and Lady Florence. Your grace carries us gracefully along the avenues
of dream and magic! Now, just returned from their tour of Tuscany and the
Apennines, the merriment and world-renowned acrobatic spectacle of the
Smithkorsitti Tumblers! All eyes
watch as they enter, the Smithkorsitti Tumblers!
[They
tumble.]
Following such
gravity-defying feats, I fear our entertainment cannot bound so high,
however, I and the rest of the
cast of The Tattered Tale of Love return to put your hearts and minds at ease
with the resolution of our humble play.
Scene Two
[enter
GIOVANNI and ARLECCHINO]
ARLECCHINO
That massive
statue yonder, have you ever seen the like?
GIOVANNI
They say it is
master MichelangeloÕs new David.
ARLECCHINO
Is that itÕs
name? I thought maybe Dick. Or Peter. [ARLECCHINO kicks a brooch lying on
the ground] Oh ho!
WhatÕs this? [ARLECCHINO picks up the brooch and studies it]
GIOVANNI
Arlecchino, drop
it! DonÕt eat food thatÕs been on the ground!
ARLECCHINO
Master! ItÕs not
food! ItÕs.....itÕs.....oh, heaven, itÕs....
GIOVANNI
What have you
found? Let me see. [both are awestruck at the brooch. GIOVANNI takes it
reverently from ARLECCHINO] When
pawned, this bauble will keep us in bread and lodging for months, maybe
years—even with your appetite! I will hide it in my doublet for
safekeeping. [they both stare where GIOVANNI has hidden the brooch. ] Ah, but glorious as it is, it cannot
compare with my incomparable Maria. How I long to gladden my eyes with her
sylph-like form, my ears with the dulcet tones of her voice, my hand with the
velvet touch of her little hand, my nose with the delicate delight of her
perfume, my lips with the .....Ah, mercy! I burn with love! If I cannot have
her, I will expire! Arlecchino, where has she gone? Where have they all gone?
ARLECCHINO
With a little
luck, to the bakerÕs. Or the butcherÕs.
GIOVANNI
If you stomach
told you to bathe in molten lead, you would leap feet first into the crucible.
ARLECCHINO
[patting his
belly] My sweet darling!
Not before IÕd had a pastry.
GIOVANNI
[pulling
ARLECCHINO close]
Listen: Here is what I would have you do. Go to the house of the Dottore and
search out the daughterÕs maid. See if a secret meeting can be arranged between
the daughter and me, away from that harridan mother. Go, quickly.
[ARLECCHINO
shambles off]
GIOVANNI
Such loveliness
has not been before me sinceÉ.the last time such loveliness was before me. Will
she be mine? Ah, the pain of ignorance! Already it chafes and itches. Should I
know her for yet another hour, it would grow to the constant pricking of a
needle. After a day, like bowel cramps. After two days, like a kidney stone!
Perhaps I should rethink my ardorÉ.
ARLECCHINO
[slides back
on stage]One thing,
master — where does this Dottore live?
GIOVANNI
Blast! How
should I know? Ask about. [ARLECCHINO scurries off] Her eyes are like pimentoed olives
— though not of those colors, thanks be. Her feet are like — well,
I could not see them inside her shoes. Her hands are like — grappling
hooks, the way they held to her maidÕs skirt, and they have hooked my heart.
Her hair is like — a well-fashioned wig, now that I think upon it.
ARLECCHINO
[sidling on
with some trepidation]
Umm, master, when exactly would you like this meeting to take place?
GIOVANNI
As soon as
possible, you ninny. I die of love. It has already progressed from my kidneys
to my spleen. Go! [ARLECCHINO trots off like a whipped horse] Such suspense, and I at the mercy of a
simpleton who inhales vittles as a whirlpool inhales the sea, leaving me adrift
like a rudderless frigate in a gale which the gods direct at my unprotected,
wind-tossed dot upon the waves. Or something like that.
ARLECCHINO
[peering
around the corner of the scenery] Er,
where were you
thinking that –
GIOVANNI
[running
full-tilt toward him]Boob!
Nitwit! Monkey-faced maladroit miscreant! [they dash off stage]
[Q and Q run
across the stage. Enter COLUMBINA]
COLUMBINA
My lady finds
this handsome newcomer appealing, but the nonsense stuffed into her by her
mother leaves her wracked with fear. The only true healing nostrum is to meet
him face to face, and I have taken it upon myself to arrange such. But now he
and his lively attendant have both forsaken the plaza. Ah dear, there is no end
to the confusion.
[ARLECCHINO
careens across the stage and pulls up panting, leaning against the wall]
ARLECCHINO
For a man with
so little experience of battle, my master can take on a fearsome aspect when
agitated. [sees COLUMBINA]
Ah, most welcome sight! I am exhausted and weakened with thirst. Have you a bit
of water. Or wine? And perhaps a muffin or two?
COLUMBINA
I am no serving
wench. I have come on my mistressÕs business.
ARLECCHINO
And I on my
masterÕs. [both show sudden realization] Methinks our needs may overlap. [Q and Q enter and do a
number while they hold an animated conversation off to the side. ARLECCHINO
keeps trying to peek under the cover of her basket. They make happy agreement
and COLUMBINA exits with Q and Q as GIOVANNI enters]
ARLECCHINO
Good news, my
master. All is arranged.
GIOVANNI
And what is the
arrangement? [aside] Though
I fear to ask.
ARLECCHINO
All too simple.
Columbina goes to fetch her mistress and bring her, post haste, to this very
spot.
GIOVANNI
And you achieved
this without falling down, consuming two meals or asking which end of a sword
to grasp?
ARLECCHINO
[aggrieved] That you should have such low opinion of
your humble servant.
GIOVANNI
That you should
have such humble abilities and low intelligence. But look, they come. Let us
retreat for a bit that I look not too anxious.
[they hide
behind a pillar. Q and Q run across the stage. Enter MARIA and COLUMBINA]
MARIA
They have not
yet arrived. Good! I am severely affrighted of meeting this MAN.
COLUMBINA
What is it that
so terrifies you?
MARIA
My mother has
said – well, I cannot understand all that she speaks, but it would seem
what a man most desires is to remove his clothing and attempt to place a snake
in my cupboard! What if I should be bitten by his reptile?
COLUMBINA
It might be you
would find that you shared the flavor equally. Ah, what a welter of absurdities
fill your head.
MARIA
And then there
is this thing called marriage, in which a woman becomes fixedly joined to a
MAN, like a leg to a table. [mimes surface and attached leg] I should be pressed upon and forever
dragged from place to place, and when something were given to my husband, he
would hold it upon his surface and I would see nothing of it.
COLUMBINA
Now that has truth in it. But enough of this. Let
me relay to you the ten points of successful womanhood.
MARIA
Yes, do. [she
pulls a tablet from her skirt and busily writes down the advice]
COLUMBINA
First, face all
furniture to the east that the sun may shine upon it.
Next, cover not
your bed with straw, for it will draw fleas.
Third, see that
the cook drops no twigs in the porridge, for they stick between your teeth.
Fourth, on
Saturday evenings, sit before the window and sing of France. It will soothe the
nerves.
Fifth, walk
through your dwelling twice a day, that you always recall which door leads
where.
Sixth, eat with
your mouth closed, that your food not tumble out.
Seventh, buy
only linen cloth, for the flax plant has no mean intentions.
Eighth, run not
downhill, that you not fall flat on your face.
Ninth, pray for
rain on Thursday, except when the season is damp.
Last, and most
important, laugh not while drinking ale, for it will blow unpleasantly out your
nose.
MARIA
Such distilled
wisdom!
[enter
GIOVANNI and ARLECCHINO, as though they had just arrived. behind them, Q and Q
sneak in and exaggeratedly pantomime what follows]
MARIA
That MAN again. [half
swoons into COLUMBINAÕs arms]
COLUMBINA
He is the reason
that we have come here, remember? [MARIA does her best to stand up]
GIOVANNI
[dropping to
one knee and kissing her hand]
Mistress of my heart!
ARLECCHINO
[copying
GIOVANNIÕs gesture before COLUMBINA]
Key to my pantry!
GIOVANNI
All that I have
is yours!
ARLECCHINO
All that you
have is mine!
GIOVANNI
May we go
through life always together!
ARLECCHINO
Breakfast,
dinner and supper!
GIOVANNI
[stands up
and kicks ARLECCHINO erect]
Enough, varlet! [He sings.]
GIOVANNI
My lady, I beg
for your answer! Will you be mine or must I crawl off to expire in some lonely
ditch?
MARIA
Is that what MEN
do? It would explain the odors that drift from the countryside.
[Q and Q run through. Enter DOTTORE
and BIANCA]
DOTTORE
What is the meaning of this prolificuity?
ARLECCHINO
[aside] Good question.
BIANCA
[to MARIA] What have you been doing?
MARIA
Speaking with this MAN.
BIANCA
Horror!
MARIA
Actually, it hasnÕt been all that bad.
DOTTORE
Extrapolate yourself, mellifluous rascal!
Wherefore dare you congratulate in secret aspiration? [Dottorethreatens
Giovanni with his book.]
GIOVANNI
Sirrah! Do not threaten me! As a military
man, it is my duty to respond in kind.
DOTTORE
[Striking Giovanni with his book] Respond! Requiescent in pace, fetid
dromedary! How dare you besmirch my daughter with your celery attendance? [Giovanni
draws his sword and they fight. Bianca watches closely and when an opening
presents itself, she strikes Giovanni on the head with her fan. Dottore follows
suit with his book. Giovanni falls.]
MARIA
[screams] Daddy! Mommy! What have you done? YouÕve
hurt him! How could you? [she kneels by GiovanniÕs side while Arlecchino
flaps a cloth over him. Giovanni slowly recovers.]
GIOVANNI
Sir Dottore, I beg of you, listen not to
my voice, but to my heart. [DOTTORE pulls out stethoscope] What I ask, in the full purity of my
intention, is your daughterÕs hand in marriage.
[BIANCA faints. while DOTTORE speaks,
MARIA repeats mime of table surface and attached leg]
DOTTORE
By the pustules of the saints, you would
elongate me with preposterates of rendition for my daughter? You, a punyless
ragamutton from that dung of infelicity, Rome? Am I to dower upon you a
showery? I will not have it. Reject yourself from my sight, else I shall be
farced to repatriate my honor!
ARLECCHINO
[aside] And he just might.
BIANCA
[now upright, to COLUMBINA] What am I to do? For more than two
decades I have protected my daughter and her virtue, like a lioness protects
her cub. I have sheltered her from the world, stayed guard before the den. Now
a MAN threatens to enter and wrest her from me.
COLUMBINA
Fear not, for also like the lioness who
guards her kill, your strength will yet ward off all who would nibble. Your
daughter and her virtue shall remain inviolate, even as they steam in the heat
of the noonday sun. [COLUMBINA wrinkles her nose and holds a handkerchief to
her face]
BIANCA
That is a most unfortunate image. What
would you have me do?
COLUMBINA
Allow her to ripen like a fruit, not
decay like carrion.
BIANCA
Give her leave
to marry that MAN?
COLUMBINA
Is marriage so
evil for a woman?
DOTTORE
[to GIOVANNI,
gesturing wildly] What
deputations have you to reticulate in your favor?
COLUMBINA
Perhaps I should
rephrase. Are all
marriages so evil for a woman? [COLUMBINA looks pointedly at ARLECCHINO. She
gestures for him to talk to GIOVANNI. ARLECCHINO looks puzzled.] Arlecchino, remember what I told you! [ARLECCHINO
suddenly remembers and whispers in his masterÕs ear.]
GIOVANNI
Sir Dottore, my
family in Rome is not a poor one. I look ragged only from my travels. [reaches
into his pouch] See, I
have here [suddenly realizes he has nothing] 10-ducat pieces and coins of silver. [GIOVANNI
starts to open the purse, but thinks better of it, and hefts the purse in his
hand. It clinks. To the audience.] What
is this? It sounds like there is money in it! [to DOTTORE] Excuse me. [GIOVANNI turns away from
DOTTORE and inspects the inside of his purse. He then returns to DOTTORE and
grandly begins to pour the money into his own hand and then gives three coins
to DOTTORE, coin by coin] You need provide no sumptuous dowry, I
can pay my way. [accidentally drops a coin and DOTTORE chases it across the
stage, returns beaming and hugs GIOVANNI]
BIANCA
I remain not
fully convinced.
COLUMBINA
That bespeaks an
open mind. And once it be pried all the way ajar, there is no telling what may
enter.
BIANCA
Meaning?
COLUMBINA
That your
husbandÕs blessing should serve as canopy for you both.
BIANCA
You confound me.
COLUMBINA
[aside] Which, of course, was my intention.
ARLECCHINO
I never know
whatÕs going on, except at supper time.
COLUMBINA
[to GIOVANNI]
Do not forget the wife! [to
BIANCA] And Madam, think
on the joys of grandchildren, who will toddle on the strings of your heart,
fill your villa with chortles of glee and gladden your old age with the glow of
youth and vigor.
GIOVANNI
[leaping to
BIANCAÕS side and kneeling] Glorious
lady! How I bless and revere you for your wisdom in keeping your jewel
untarnished! [GIOVANNI takes BIANCAÕS hand] It requires no wit to understand why
Maria possesses such grace and beauty. She is my sun, but you, oh shining one,
are my moon—lighting up the dark recesses of my soul and giving me hope
for the future. [GIOVANNI kisses her hand] Madam, do not believe that you are losing your daughter,
but know that you are gaining a son—me!—a brave and courteous
worshipper who desires nothing more than to give you honor. [GIOVANNI rises, takes the brooch out of his
doublet, and presents it to her.]
Please accept this small token of my esteem which I acquired only this day in
hopes that it would please you.
BIANCA
Good sir, your
fair speech has warmed my coldest fears. And this masterpiece of the jewelerÕs
art will serve to keep the flame alive. [aside to COLUMBINA] Look, Columbina, how like it is the
brooch I lost this morning! He must have studied me indeed to choose a piece
that so truly matches my likes! [to GIOVANNI] I give my blessing for your betrothal to
my daughter, Maria, and with it my hope that you will condescend to share our
modest dwelling in days to come.
[Q and Q
reenter in wedding attire to take their place in the tableau that forms as
DOTTORE speaks.]
DOTTORE
My dearest young
fiend, you have enlivered our day. By questing in the forest of our good graces,
you have trumpeted all previous predilections. Let it be so, that you, intorpid
traveler, and my daughter shall joust in holy matrimoney. Sound the reviles! [to
GIOVANNI] And as I find
myself temporarily insoilent, an additional small forthcoming would help the
celebracing. [holds out his hand for money]
MARIA
Hold a moment!
GIOVANNI,
DOTTORE and BIANCA
What??
MARIA
You give my hand
away as though it were not attached to my body.
DOTTORE
But we have
determined. And all to your best detriment! No shally-shullying at this late
date.
BIANCA
Are we not all
agreed that this is a fine young man—or as a fine as he can be, being a
MAN?
MARIA
True, he has a determined chin and cute
little kneecaps under his striking hose, but could it not be possible that
other men possess as great or greater charms?
DOTTORE
Prepustulous!
GIOVANNI
My love burns. You cannot quench its
fires with cruel, sogging words.
MARIA
Oh, bank your ardor for a bit, sir
traveler. It merely occurs to me that there is more to the world than the
inside of my dwelling—or even Florence itself.
COLUMBINA
[aside] A fast learner, this one—perhaps
too rapid. She awakens to morning so quickly she may destroy the nightÕs dream.
[to MARIA] My lady,
think upon it: 23 years can quickly become 24, then a quarter of a century.
Soon lines begin to radiate from formerly unblemished eyes. Would you wish to
shrivel while still in search of your ideal?
MARIA
Shrivel?! No, no, I must remain solid and
fully padded! Oh, I do not know my mind.
ARLECCHINO
I do not know if this vacillating play
will ever reach its climax.
COLUMBINA
Here is a man who worships the very
ground beneath your feet. [ARLECCHINO brushes dirt off his shoes] Accept the wealth of his love and the
equal treasure of your parentsÕ approval.
MARIA
That is a rather amazing confluence of good
fortune. [taps her chin and considers] Why not? A man in hand is worth two on the road. Errant
knight, you have won my heart—for the time being. I trust you will know
how to keep it.
qGIOVANNI
Dearest one, all
I have and all I will be, they are yours. {He makes an extravagant gesture
toward Maria.]
ARLECCHINO
[aside] That should be enough to fill a
peasantÕs bowl.
[MARIA
sings.]
DOTTORE slaps
GIOVANNI on the back. BIANCA embraces MARIA]
COLUMBINA
Come together,
all. It is time to rejoice!
[the
following all happens at the same time while they sing the revised canon.
BIANCA brings
out a long scroll of admonitions and pantomimes its reading to MARIA
COLUMBINA
brings out a huge basket to ARLECCHINO who shovels in food with one hand and
pats her fanny with the other
GIOVANNI
turns his pockets inside out to give DOTTORE all that he has
Q and Q sneak
behind the celebrants and snip off bits of their clothing
All join
hands in a dance led by Dance Master Fernando Marricone, while Q and Q take
large hats through the audience for donations
cast bows at
end of short dance
ARLECCHINO