Santa                    Darwin Hatch

Hers Elf               Colleen Engler

Hims Elf              Derek Davis

Mrs. Claus           Eileen Wylie

Millie                   Anne Kiner

Sue                       Barbara K. Schaefer

Emerald                Amy McGee

Bill                       Rich Weston


SCENE 1 North Pole, SantaÕs House

Hims Elf stomps in wearing wader boots. Santa, waiting, also wearing wader boots.


SANTA: DonÕt track mud in here. YouÕre ruining the carpet.


HIMS ELF: You donÕt have a carpet.


SANTA: Well, if I did, youÕd be ruining it.


HIMS ELF: EverythingÕs a mess. ItÕs all melting. ItÕs global warm –


SANTA: Stop that! ThereÕs no such thing as global warming. ItÕs all a myth, an absurd pseudo-scientific–


HIMS ELF: Look, itÕs the middle of December at the North Pole and itÕs 73 degrees and that guy on Cape Barrow is selling ice cubes to polar bears.


SANTA: Humph!


Hers Elf runs in


HERS ELF: RudolfÕs nose shorted out. ItÕs the humidity.


SANTA: ItÕll be fine once it snows. You elves just need to get back to work. ThereÕs only two weeks left and weÕre behind schedule.


HIMS ELF: Work? How are we going to work with the entire workshop under four feet of water?


SANTA: HavenÕt you heard of É mops?


HIMS ELF: Mops! We need a bilge pump!


Enter Mrs. Claus


MRS. CLAUS: Where did my fabric shed go? It was right out on the ice floe.


HERS ELF: Sorry. It sank.


MRS. CLAUS: ThatÕs my whole stash! Thirteen hundred years of fabric – I had unicorn tapestries, virgins from the Silk Road, Arnold Schwarzenegger smiling over a recipient maiden like a ...  Never mind. This is completely unacceptable.


SANTA: I wish everyone wouldnÕt exaggerate. ItÕs only been twelve hundred and eighty years.


MRS. CLAUS: Forget the details. YouÕre in denial, you have your head in the flood. Now you listen to me, Kris Kringle


HIMS ELF [whisper]: Oh man, when she starts with that ÒKrisÓ stuff, you better hold your ears.


MRS. CLAUS: I heard that!


SANTA [abashed]: But really, dear, what can I do?  


HERS ELF: Ahem! WeÕve been looking at Google Maps. We think may be there is a way out.


HIMS ELF: See, thereÕs a place thatÕs supposed to be immune to global warming. They say itÕs the coldest place on earth.


SANTA: What? Where?


HIMS ELF: In Pennsylvania. ItÕs called Sullivan County.


SANTA: Never heard of it.


HERS ELF: Few have. But if we pack everything up tonight we could fly the sleigh down by tomorrow and still get done in time for Christmas.


MRS. CLAUS: What about my fabric stash?


HERS ELF: Hims Elf trained as a Navy seal.


HIMS ELF: I worked out a pretty good dredge system when that walrus capsized the toy warehouse.


SANTA: All right! LetÕs get crackinÕ. Where did I put my boots?


MRS. CLAUS [pointing to his feet]: Really, dear.


SANTA: Humpf!


the elves start to get stuff together


HERS ELF: Yuck! What a mess! Look – Soggedy Ann.


HIMS ELF: I hope we can get the mildew off the Tinkertoys.


HERS ELF: Hey, look – a fern growing out of Elmo.


HIMS ELF: He deserves it.


SANTA: DonÕt stand around waving wet toys. We have to get everything into the sleigh.


MRS. CLAUS: You know, IÕm excited. A new beginning. Things get boring after 1300 years.


SANTA: I told you, itÕs only ....


HIMS ELF: I hope they have decent beer.



SCENE 2 Lopez pavilion

the Elves and the Clauses shiver on the hillside.


HERSELF: Lo-o-o-o-pez?


HIMS ELF: This is supposed to be the coldest sp-sp-spot in Sullivan County.  The coldest place in the known universe.


HERS ELF: I can be-believe it.


MRS. CLAUS trying to bundle her coat tighter

ItÕs inhuman!


HERS ELF: ItÕs un-elven!


HIMS ELF [pointing]: ItÕs so cold the dogs are sticking to the sidewalk!


SANTA: ItÕs too c-c-cold for any living thing. IsnÕt there someplace else?


HIMS ELF [looking at his map]: Well, thereÕs this other little town, Eagles Mere, ItÕs got a lake that freezes 18 inches thick.


MRS. CLAUS: ThatÕs enough. ThatÕs more than enough. The faster we get there the better.


SANTA: Global warming my –


MRS. CLAUS: Kris Kringle!



SCENE 3 Eagles Mere Lake

SANTA: Eagles Mere Lake, frozen solid. Excellent. I hope everyone will stop complaining.


HERS ELF: ItÕs perfect. Just the way things used to be at the North Pole.


HIMS ELF : WeÕre got the workshop set up, now I have to find a place to plug in the computers.


MRS. CLAUS: Just use WiFi. But I do need electricity for my iron. YouÕd think these people would have more modern amenities.


HIMS ELF: Humph. They only pretend theyÕre rustic. You know – a wood stove next to the plasma TV?


Millie and Sue enter


MILLIE: Look! ItÕs Santa! Is it true? Have you really moved your workshop to Eagles Mere?


SANTA: Ho ho ho, indeed we have. Have you been a good girl?


MILLIE: Yes, Santa. Um, well I think so.


SUE [aside]: Depends on your definition of good.


MILLIE: DonÕt listen to her. I go to church, I give canned goods to the Food Pantry, I pray every night, and I never use the big, big D.


HIMS ELF: What, never?


MILLIE: No, never.


SUE: What, never?


MILLIE: Well, hardly ever.


HIMS ELF: Hardly ever swears the big, big D.


SANTA : That sounds pretty good. So whatÕs your Christmas wish?


MILLIE: I canÕt remember all of it. Hold on, IÕve got a list at home. Be right back. [she exits.]


SANTA [turning to SUE]: And what would you like for Christmas?


SUE: A gold-plated Cadillac.


SANTA: Has that gold shipment come in from China?


HERS ELF: Yep, but it looks like bronze covered with glitter and urethane.


MRS. CLAUS: I was supposed to get 500 yards of brocade and it turned out to be highlight patterns stamped into tree bark.


SANTA: We can make it work. We have that can-do spirit. Start up the shop! Get the stables ready for the Reindeer!


MILLIE [returns]: HereÕs my list. Turns out, I want ... everything!


HERS ELF: UhhhÉ.I think...


HIMSELF : You gotta. .. accentuate the positive...


HERS ELF: Eliminate the negative...


HIMS ELF: Latch onto the affirmative...


EVERYONE: And donÕt mess with Mr. In-Between!



SCENE 4 The Barn Tavern

Santa and Elves walk in. Sue and Bill are drinking at the bar.


SUE: What are they doinÕ here? Darned flatlanders.


BILL: They ainÕt no flatlanders. TheyÕre from the North darned Pole.


SUE: Yeah? WhatÕs anyway flatterÕn the North Pole?


BILL: HadnÕt thought oÕ that.


Hims Elf walks in. He catches SueÕs attention.


HIMS ELF: Hey, splendiferous babe.


SUE: WhatÕs up, magnificent barbasol?


Hims Elf drops down beside her and leans his head on her shoulder.


HIMS ELF: Built low to the ground I may be, but it increases agility, dexterity and longevity.


BILL: Looks like youÕve been getting around for awhile.


HIMS ELF [laughs]: Could be. Guess – how long have I been with the Big Guy?


SUE: I dunno. 30, 40 years?


HIMS ELF [drawing himself up]: 437 years next Tuesday.


SUE: But youÕre...


HIMS ELF: You just bet I am.


Hims Elf plops himself down at the bar.


HIMS ELF: What have you got that ainÕt Bud Light?



SCENE 5 Laporte Court House

The Sullivan County Labor Board. Santa stands at the door with Mrs. Claus.


SANTA: IÕve been asked to come –


BILL : Yes, please. Sit down.


SANTA [showing paper]: Why have I received this citation? I donÕt understand.


EMERALD: You brought your elves with you when you came to Eagles Mere, correct?


SANTA: Of course. They are the linchpins of our operation.


BILL: And do you deny that you have hired no one from the county to join your workshop?


SANTA [nervous]: Well, we only had limited time, we needed to move quickly. The elves are all excellent workers – they have hundreds of years experience.


EMERALD: We have a perennially high unemployment rate. YouÕre living off the area and giving nothing back.


MRS. CLAUS: We eat in your restaurants. I especially like the Crestmont, donÕt you? And that place that looks like a streetcar.


Emerald slaps a sheet of paper down in front of Santa.


SANTA: WhatÕs this?


EMERALD: A noise abatement order.


BILL: Your elves never stop singing.


EMERALD: Off key.


BILL: And why are you using chainsaws to make Christmas gifts?


SANTA: YouÕre seen the fall festival. ItÕs quicker that way. Bears. Big bears.


BILL: The whole lake is covered with sawdust. The toboggans canÕt go five feet without piling up.


SANTA: It makes excellent bedding for the reindeer. WeÕll clean it all up. Right after Christmas.


EMERALD: Speaking of which, your reindeer ate my holly!


SANTA: IÕm surprised. They donÕt usually like prickly things.


MRS. CLAUS: I totally understand your position. You both seem pretty tense. In the workshop, we have a remedy – back rubs! With your permission ....




Mrs. Claus works on Bill while Santa works on Emerald. Lots of ooohs and aaahhhs. Santa gets up to leave


BILL: So É what are you going to do about this?


SANTA: CanÕt we just get on with our work? ÕTis the season to be jolly. And it will all be over in a couple of weeks.


EMERALD: All right, weÕll talk about this after Christmas, but we need every bit of your mess cleaned up by January First or youÕll be fined $100 a day.


SANTA [to Mrs. Claus as he leaves]: That much? Why failed bankers donÕt ....It was easier dealing with the Grinch.


MRS. CLAUS: Now, dearÉÉ



SCENE 6 Eagles Mere Lake


HERS ELF: Will we ever get caught up?


HIMS ELF: Cool it. ItÕs like this every year. It isnÕt easy to get gifts together for 2 billion kids.


HERS ELF: Do you think theyÕll be able to spot these knockoff iPods?


HIMS ELF: Just the ones that only play Chinese music.


HERS ELF: I kinda like that one song, ÒChairman Mao was a rowdy-dow-dow


enter Santa and Mrs. Claus


MRS. CLAUS: You know, Nick, IÕm coming to like this place. Do you think we could make this our permanent site?


SANTA: I donÕt know. They seem awfully picky here, such a lot of complaints. No one ever bothered us at the North Pole about our environmental impact.


MRS. CLAUS: TheyÕre concerned citizens. ThatÕs a good thing.


SANTA: I suppose, but I get the feeling weÕre just not wanted.


HIMS ELF: Hey, whatÕs that glow over there?


HERS ELF: Looks like ... chestnuts roasting on an open fire.


MRS. CLAUS : While Jack FrostÕs nipping at my nose.


SANTA: Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,


HIMS ELF: And folks dressed up like Eskimos ....



O-o-o-h ... Nat King Cole was a merry soul singer,

And a merry soul singer was he.

He called for his bell and he called for his ringer

And he called for his chestnuts three.


SANTA: Stop this nonsense and get back to work.



SCENE 7 Eagles Mere Lake

the elves sweep up the last bits of trash as the various actors enter by ones and twos


EMERALD: Goodness, they really did get it all cleaned up – every last scrap.


BILL: And you have to admit, this was the liveliest Christmas weÕve ever had in Eagles Mere.


SUE: I just love my bronze-plated Cadillac with the glitter.


MILLIE: And my Captain Wombat and the Marsupials action figures. They sing ÒWaltzing Matilda.Ó


HERS ELF [aside]: With a Chinese accent.


enter Santa and Mrs. Claus


MRS. CLAUS: IÕve never been so relieved to have the season over. Such a lot of last-second work.


SANTA: But worth every minute of it. IÕm certainly pleased with the results.


BILL [looking abashed]: IÕd like to apologize for creating so many difficulties for you.


EMERALD: Yes, Santa, youÕve been a wonderful addition to the community.


SANTA: WeÕve enjoyed the change.


HIMS ELF: And the beerÕs great.


SUE: So ... youÕre really 500 years old?


HIMS ELF: Half a millenium of fun and frolic.


SUE: I guess, youÕve, uh, learned a lot in that time?


HIMS ELF: You bet your pretty little head.


SUE [taking his arm]: Anything youÕd care to teach me?


HIMS ELF: Well, the Mongolians have this thing they call ....


Sue and Hims Elf wander offstage


BILL: I hope this works out better than that time she went off with the traveling salesman.


SANTA: I was wondering – what are the chances we could make this our permanent home?


Emerald and Bill eye each other warily


BILL: Well, you see, it gets quite warm in the summer....


EMERALD [gesturing at the ground]: And the reindeer....


MRS. CLAUS: Why donÕt we discuss this later?


BILL: Yeah, itÕs the fun season. And this has been a great one.


MILLIE: LetÕs sing something.


the sound of sleigh bells in the background


BILL: You know, thereÕs only one song to sing at a time like this.


Bill leads off and they all join in on ÒJingle BellsÓ


BILL: CÕmon, everybody, join in!


audience joins in


SANTA: Merry Christmas to all....


Clancy Bros. version, and then


MRS. CLAUS: ...and a Happy New Year...every year.